* I need a guy *
* That I can call my baby *
* The kind of guy *
* That treats me like a lady... *
Ah! Sweet mother.
What the hell are you doing here. It is 11:00 at night.
Isn't it obvious? I'm a vampire, I need permission to enter.
Permission not granted.
Good thing I'm not really a vampire.
Vinyls. How old school.
I keep it real.
- I've never seen this Beatles album. - It was only released in the U.K.
Those were my mom's. She was a real purist.
She sounds cool.
She was.
So again, what is with the breaking and entering?
I had something I wanted to tell you.
Can I borrow Bioré-- A male in your bedroom?
And he's cute.
- Am I sleepwalking again? - Shh!
Dad is going to hear you.
Girls!
Oh, my God. Crap, crap, crap. Get out. Get out of here.
Get out, get out, get out.
Just a second, Dad. I'm indecent.
And in so much trouble. I'm loving this.
I'm coming in!
Spooky.
There's a brush fire. The whole neighborhood's evacuating.
- We have to get out of this house right now. - Just give me two minutes to get changed.
- We don't have time. - Aw.
We had time.
::: Timecodes - gius :::
Excuse me. Stand back.
Baby on board.
Can you girls handle check-in? I'm going to volunteer at first aid.
Who knows? Maybe I'll get to deliver a fire baby.
I feel like a poodle at a dessert buffet.
What I wouldn't do for a flat iron right now.
People could be losing their homes, and you're worried about your hair.
Ugh. You're worse than Anderson Cooper.
Ooh.
You're looking for Patrick. You like him.
- No, I don't. - You want to kiss him.
Really? Are you five?
I'm just excited to know that you're capable of physical attraction.
Now maybe I won't have to suffer the burden of caring for you and your cats when you're old.
Sorry. Can't take you seriously with your hair like this.
Bianca.
Face forward and don't say anything, or I'll tell Patrick you want to have his babies.
Bianca, can you believe this? Fires are so scary. I'm totally traumatized.
And what you're wearing doesn't help.
I sleep in the nude, so I had to borrow these.
Wow. These are desperate times.
You wouldn't happen to have anything less flannel I could borrow?
Sorry. Someone once returned something with a snag so I don't do that anymore.
But if you find something, we'll be in room 103.
It's where all the cheerleaders are sleeping.
Sure.
Oh, oh, oh. And could you get me some more blankets?
My resting body temp is 98.1, which means I'm freezing...
and Frau Stick in the mud up there would only give me two.
It is so sad when people abuse their power.
I keep forgetting you're related to that.
I can't believe her broomstick didn't burn in the fire.
Hi, I can take it from here. I am an OBGYN.
Oh, thank God. The only thing I know about delivering babies...
- I learned from "Gone with the Wind". - Do you have a certificate or something?
Just want to make sure you're not one of those kooks...
that goes around saying they're a gynecologist so they can look at my...
lady business.
But that's one of the perks of the job, ma'am.
Just kidding. Give me your hand and relax.
What are you, about seven months in? Guess what. Everyone's fine.
This bun's not coming out of the oven tonight.
- Lie back and relax, okay? - Okay.
But I'm keeping my knees closed.
You should have thought of that seven months ago.
- I'll be here. You don't have to stay. - Oh, that's okay. I don't mind.
I mean, what else am I going to do? Rank the stuff I'll miss the most...
if my house burns down?
I think I'd miss my house the most.
Oh, not me.
It reminds me of my ex-husband and his love of linoleum.
It's everywhere.
Oh, my memory foam pillow. That's what I'll miss the most.
I spent a lot of lonely nights trying to get the depressions just right, you know?
Dude, there are vulnerable hot chicks all over this place...
looking for a shoulder to cry on.
I know it's wrong, but I love this fire.
Yeah, me, too. Now I know what Bianca wears to bed.
In a new development, authorities believe...
the canyon brushfire may have been started by homemade pyrotechnics.
Homemade pyrotechnics?
Yeah, like fireworks, flares--
Or model rockets.
Michael, that model rocket we launched yesterday in my backyard--
it never came down.
You think we started the fire?
No, there's no way. All we did was push a button.
That shot a vessel of highly flammable balsa wood containing gunpowder--
into bone-dry brush, igniting a gigantic conflagration.
Uh-oh.
Girls, I'm here for you in your time of need, okay?
So why don't we go around the circle and share what we're scared of losing the most?
My vintage collection of Us Weeklies. They're irreplaceable.
My ionic featherweight hair dryer.
- It blows so hard. - Mm-hmm.
If my house burns down, I'll lose every single photo of my mother.
Oh, you poor thing.
I'm sure your house will be fine.
Aw, so sad. I know exactly how you feel.
My mother is in Brazil, getting her second face lift.
What if she doesn't wake up from the anesthesia?
If I could talk to her right now, I would say, "Mom, you're perfect just the way you are."
God, I remember this one time when my mom went out of town--
Dawn, you had your turn, okay? Wow.
You know what? Now that I think about it...
I should really be with my parents right now.
They're probably worried sick about me.
Yeah, me, too.
My dad gets so needy in a crisis. Sorry.
But you guys, wait. We haven't finished our little share circle.
I'm here to listen as long as you want to talk.
Thanks, B.
Maybe Michelle should be in that mascot suit instead of you.
Keep talking. I'm still listening.
You know what we need? Hot chocolate.
Yeah. No sugar, no whipped cream. Wait, whipped cream...
but only if it's the fake kind, okay?
Oh, and you can have yours however you like it. Go. Thank you.
Bye-bye. Scoot, scoot.
There you go, ma'am.
Does this have seeds in it? I have diverticulitis.
I'm not sure, actually.
Oh, who's that you're undressing with your eyes?
Your boyfriend?
No. Just this guy I know.
Oh, missy, I wasn't born yesterday.
I can see that.
So, you made it. Where's your family?
I killed them all. They were slowing me down.
Natural disasters do bring out the best in people.
So, what was your big epiphany?
You're okay. Did you get my messages?
I sent you, like, a million texts.
When are we going to talk? You said you needed to tell me something.
It's not like that.
Sure it's not. Enjoy your chat.
Are you mad at me?
Oh!
Have you ever done something you've regretted?
Giving you advice, because you keep coming back.
Okay, but have you ever done something you're really sorry about?
What did you do?
I think I started the fire.
Let me guess. You set off a model rocket.
How'd you know?
It was either that or you're setting your farts on fire.
So what's the problem?
The problem is the guilt is eating me alive. I'm thinking of confessing.
Well, it's not like you did it on purpose.
You're right. That's it. I'll tell them what happened...
that it was an accident, and I'm really sorry.
Yeah. Worst case scenario, you get five, ten years.
You can handle prison.
And with a face like yours, you'll have a husband in no time.
Oh, goodie. You're back.
Um, what are non-cheerleaders doing here?
- A volunteer brought them in. - Okay.
- Then you can volunteer to take them out. - But they brought homemade baklava.
With real honey. It's super delicious. You'll love it.
And this is Sarab.
He's only 11, and he speaks 3 languages, including Russian.
Pleasure it is to meet you.
Oh, how cute. You talk like Yoda.
So cute. Cuteness.
Yeah, we're going to need to get them out of here, and by we, I mean you.
But there's plenty of room here.
Bianca, Bianca.
I thought this was supposed to be bonding time for us...
to really cement our friendship.
- Isn't that what you wanted? - Yeah, of course.
Then get them moved to another classroom.
And when you get back, I'll flat iron your hair.
Oof.
Can't wait.
Go after him already. Seize the moment.
Life is short. Trust me, I know.
You're old. I get it.
Do you have keys to any of the classrooms? I need you to open one.
Chastity needs more room for her ego?
Someone brought a family into our room and she's a bit territorial.
Too bad. Tell Genghis Chastity that there's a fire going on...
- and we all need to pull together. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We are the world. I get it.
- Can't you just open a door, please? - Not a chance.
Why can't you just help me once?
Why does everything you do have to be about principles?
Why does everything you do have to be about Chastity?
- It's pathetic. - Fine.
I guess you'd rather be handing out water bottles to old ladies...
rather than making out with Patrick Verona, but you're right.
I'm the one who's pathetic.
Now that her contractions have stopped, do you want to share this bottle of wine...
I can't pronounce?
Well, with a wine this nice, it's a miracle you remembered your kids.
Yeah, my ex and I were saving it for our 30th anniversary.
Now, instead of toasting that tragedy, we can toast this one.
- May I? - Please.
What's your deal, anyway? You married? Separated? Big fat cheater?
Widowed.
I'm so sorry.
- Was it recent? - Yes. Seven years.
Oh.
Well, different people move on at different speeds.
So... that's totally normal. Ish.
You seem to bounced back pretty well.
- Mind sharing your secret? - Therapy.
Thousands and thousands of dollars of therapy.
Actually, I'm just now getting back to the dating scene myself.
- Ah. How's that going? - Online dating is brutal...
but I'm getting the hang of it. Now I'm an entertainer in my early 30s.
I should help you with your profile. And I've got Photoshop.
- Should I be thankful or offended? - Grateful.
Chastity, I'm sorry. We can't relocate the family.
But we can view this as an opportunity to learn about another culture.
- It'll be fun. - It would be fun.
But it would also be horribly selfish of us.
Think about what they must be going through, Bianca.
They probably lived in very small huts in whatever country they came from.
This room must seem overwhelmingly large for them.
We should totally put them in the janitor's closet.
They'd be more comfortable there.
- But-- - Ooh, but, but.
Doot doot. But nothing.
Unless you want to learn carpet weaving from your new friends.
I know. You could weave yourself a new mascot suit.
That's really not very nice.
We actually do weave beautiful carpets.
See?
Chastity, I'm not putting a family of six in a closet.
Oh, wow.
Okay, I'm going to pretend this little temper tantrum never happened.
I know you're really stressed about losing all your dead mom stuff.
Yoda, tell your clan to start packing.
You are such a bitch!
- What did you say to me? - You heard me.
You are a manipulative, conniving, mean little shrew of a person...
and I am sick of taking your crap. Can't you see that nobody likes you?
That was harsh.
Don't jump.
Aw, I don't have to. You're here now.
Okay, jump.
I'm only three stories up. All I'd do is break a leg.
It'd still be worth it.
Come check this out. It's really beautiful.
If you don't think about all the homes being destroyed.
Look over there.
Oh!
- Ah. - Oh!
See? You don't want me to jump.
You're such a jerk.
Now I can tell you what I wanted to tell you.
Ooh, I'm on pins and needles. Let me guess.
Is it the same thing you wanted to tell the girl downstairs?
Oh, I like it when you're jealous.
I'm not jealous. I'm appalled. There's a difference.
Look, I was going to tell her she should stop stalking me.
Big words from the guy who shows up unannounced...
in my bedroom window at 11:00 at night.
- That's way past visiting hours. - You talk a lot.
Is that what you wanted to tell me?
Sure.
- No, seriously. - Oh, seriously.
Okay.
I realized why I find you interesting.
Mm, do tell.
You're different from other girls.
You have a mind of your own.
That must be a refreshing change for you.
It is. You're not all clingy and needy.
We can just make out and it doesn't have to be this whole big thing.
Right.
Because I'm a total slut. But I have a mind of my own.
- No, that's not what I meant. - Well, what did you mean?
I meant you're not living some fairy tale where I'm your Prince Charming.
Trust me, no one would mistake you for Prince Charming.
Prince Charles, maybe.
Ah, and we were having such a nice time.
Unbelievable.
I'm worried about losing my home, all of my stuff...
every memory, and you just want to hook up.
Why do have to make everything so difficult?
What can I say? I'm not easy.
Look, I'm sorry I yelled at you...
but I'm hot and tired and you were acting like Janice Dickinson.
Well, excuse me for not wanting to share my room with the entire USSR.
So what you said, was it true?
Yeah.
And here I thought we were going to bond tonight, Bianca.
Bond? More like bondage and I was your gimp.
Get me hot chocolate. Fetch me blankets. Rub my feet.
You're using me, just like you use all of us.
Wait. Me, using you?
You want to be a cheerleader more than Hillary Clinton wants to be president.
That's the only reason you even speak to me.
Do you think it's easy being me?
I am the most popular girl in school.
And some would argue the prettiest, too.
I've got nowhere to go but down.
And I know that every girl in this school would crush me in a second...
if she had the chance to take my place.
I don't have any friends.
At least not any real ones. I guess I'm all alone.
That's not true.
I'm here. And you're right, I was using you.
And I'm sorry.
I accept your apology.
Um, is there anything you want to say to me?
Mm, don't do it again?
How about "I'm sorry for using you, too, Bianca"?
Okay. What you said.
And, um...
I shouldn't have said that about your mom.
Thanks.
You know, I kind of like you when you're not ordering me around.
That's so sweet. And I like you, when you're not being whiny and insecure.
Oh. No hugging. And just an FYI.
I'm not making you a cheerleader just 'cause you're my best friend.
Uh, okay.
So you're saying for my profile I should specifically avoid saying I'm a gynecologist?
Yes. Doctor is fine.
All right. You're great at this.
Can I have your number?
I mean, I'd like more help with my profile.
Can I be honest? First piece of advice, you got to lose that ring.
Yeah, I know.
Would you believe that I've worn it so long I think it's stuck?
Second piece of advice-- Butter.
I can't take it anymore. Slap the shackles on me and take me upriver.
There's no punishment greater than the knowledge...
that I caused people to lose everything they care about.
Huh?
I started the fire. It was a freak thing.
I miscalculated the trajectory of the parabola.
Look, I don't know what your trip is, bro, but they already caught the guys that started it.
Two college dudes smoking some tasty cloves.
That's fantastic.
Oh, Bianca. I'm so happy to see you.
I feel wonderful. Let's hang out and talk all night long.
Okay, but we can't do anything too physical.
If I snag these clothes, I'm dead meat.
Everyone, the fire is officially contained.
You can all return to your homes.
Thank God. Now we don't have to stay here and talk all night.
I'll see you tomorrow at school. Bye, Cameron.
Look, I'm off-duty. Fire's over.
So I guess I don't have to show you what your boyfriend left for you.
He's not my boyfriend.
Over there.
Missy, lighten up.
I know a lot of cat ladies who started out like you.
I'm so happy we can go home.
This evacuation has been nothing but drama.
The fire is out, the house is safe. No babies were born in the gym.
We may all return to our lives. Come here, come here. Life is great.
- Are you drunk? - Only on life, my darling.
And $500 worth of wine.
I'm driving.